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Motivation, Poetry, Scribbled Thoughts

Shades After All

blueIt was not the teal on my walls
Or the colour of my ripped denim jeans either
It wasn’t the colour of a deep sky blue
On a sunny morning hither.
Was it the colour of my hair, a midnight blue?
Oh, if only I had ever dared to
I wondered if it was the arctic blue orbs that pulled you further
Only to be lost in an icy lake with a storm brewing over

No, this was a blue that I felt from within
A blue that everybody acknowledges
But has never seen it to determine what shade it is.
Some days it is the navy blue of the ocean,
As you swim with the tide, alongside the thoughts that consume you
Scared that maybe, just maybe, today is the day you’ll drown,
Drown away in your own thoughts and fears.
And then, there are days that you mine Sapphire
Hoping you’re offered peace, you feel worthy and just as precious as the stone itself.

Having said that, they are just Shades of Blue,
Unique as they are,
But Blue, after all.
A blue that is universally felt, universally understood
But is not the only colour that is universally accepted as beautiful
No wonder we sometimes like to dab our brushes in different colours,
To often create a happy picture
If not for ourselves, at least as a facade
And for yourself? Feel wholly, feel from within,
Better to feel Blue than an emotionless Grey.

 

Much love

As you lay awake at eight in the morning, staring at your ceiling not wanting to get out, you start to find reasons just to stay in bed. You look for any excuse just  to stay in and away from the world. Today you may not want to get yourself involved with the world outside. Today may just not be the day your cheerful side may show up. But you will get yourself to get up and show your face to the world, even if it takes you an hour just to get up and sit on your bed. And you will smile even though you woke up feeling blue. Do you have a reason to smile? No, not today. But there you’ll be standing in the side-walk looking at everything big and small and have a smile spread across your face. And that is just the beginning of your journey,love. A journey of self- appreciation and self-love.

When one is not appreciated enough they learn to do it themselves and that’s what you started to do too. Everything small, even a butterfly just passing you by will make you smile and one day you hope that you’ll get there, where you can smile at yourself for being who you are. For being that girl behind a smile who is scared that it’ll fade away. For being that girl who isn’t perfect and is totally okay with not being so. For being a crying mess in the night. For looking at her reflection in the mirror and being okay with her flaws and her curves in this “size zero” world. You will get there. Eventually. But for now baby steps are just fine. Remember that it’s okay as long as you’re trying.

And being someone who knows the importance of being appreciated and how, when you’d given up on yourself, you longed for someone to say something just enough to get you going, you know how much of a change even just two words can make. You’ll be someone who’ll appreciate people even for the small things they do, for example, getting out of bed when they are the least motivated to do so, or somebody who is ready to put themselves out there even after being hurt or betrayed by a close one, somebody who open’d themselves up to love after the loss of a loved one or even somebody who just smiles, who’s willing to spread some positive energy even when they are dealing with negativity themselves. Such people, I admire. And if you’re one of them reading this, know that I appreciate even the smallest thing you’re doing to make yourself feel better and I hope your days of struggle end. You deserve all the love you’re spreading in this world. And for that I thank you.
Much love from one stranger to another.

Falling Over

Memories are scarred

And thoughts being shattered

Smiling with a broken heart

In the hope of it being mended

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Time is taking it’s toll

And I’m about to fall

Scared of falling over

But hoping just not too hard

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The pain is driving me insane

Wishing it would  get all washed away

Can do this no more

It has got to end

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Crying it all through the night

And not wanting to see myself in this sight

Wiping away all my tears

I’m finally going to try and let go of all my sorrows and fears

                                                                       — Swapna

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It is time, or Is it?

 

The loss of a loved one, a traumatic past, a fall out between two close friends that caused so much distance that they do not recognise the other but constantly miss their support, ego that came in between a relationship that would have gone places, regrets about the stance you took in a situation that changed everything thereafter, wanting to be a rare visitor to the world your scars lead you to, illusions of a perfect world, being ashamed of your body and so much more a human goes through in the course of his/her lifetime. But what does one do after it? Read on to know more.

As they say, people are not defined by their past, but by how they choose to deal with it. And honestly, there is no right or  wrong way to deal with something that has/had a huge emotional impact on you. One may find it better to suppress it and confront when they’re ready. While others may fight it head on when faced with it. Either way they choose is absolutely fine as long as they confront it and do not let it affect their present or future.

Time has a way of changing things around you. Some are thrilled with the change while the others, not so much. Why, you ask? Well, some people get into their comfort zone and find it quite a task to get out of there. I know, only because I belong to that category. And this category of people usually have to try harder than the rest and it’s work,alright. A lot of work. But we get there eventually. At our own pace.

And something that comes along with change, is the process of letting go.

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‘Let go’, is often an easier-said- than-done advice one hears. In a way, that is apt from the view of the person that takes upon to advise, when they can no longer see you in your struggle. But what about the person in distress? Is it really that easy to let go and forget something that huge? What state of mind are they in, to be able to listen to you? You may say in defence, that it’s time for them to finally let it go, but is it? Is there a certain period of time after which letting go and moving on is right? I don’t think so. There is no definite time to let go. It’s neither too soon nor too late. It can take them a couple of weeks to years to finally be able to move on. Like Adele says, “They say that time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain’t done much healing”, guess that’s got quite some truth to it, though ironic.

While having to move on, one often wonders if it’s too soon and find themselves feeling guilty. What if I regret this later? Does me moving on mean that it didn’t matter much? These uncertainties are what keep people up night after night. And these are answers that we need to find on our own.  We’ll get there. Know that it’s never too late to let go and finally move on from your past. It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

Things will get better. Just don’t lose hope. Believe, and this too shall pass.

Letting go

Here’s something I read, adapted in my own words to lift your spirits up when it seems to have vanished when you need it the most.

“There is beauty that surpasses the eye, beauty that is not quite appreciated enough. Swimming in the ocean while it rains, looking at the horizon over fields at dusk, the sea of stars that appear as you stray from the bustling city, the neon lights on buildings making it look like the chaos of a honeycomb, the silence of the night at 3 am, all the phases of the moon, everything we do not know about the universe and you. Yes, you. Don’t look past yourself. You are a creation of the universe too. And you survived.”

I wish I’d been told

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Hey, you!
It’s been two years.It’s been two years since I last saw you. So much has changed ever since. You might ask if it changed for the better. But I won’t tell. No. I want you to find out for yourself. And if you’re disappointed when you find out, remember that change is just temporary and not constant. 

There will come a time when you’ll find yourself alone or feel that you want to give up. But don’t. Push all those thoughts aside and hold on to yourself as tight as you can. Someone may come along the way and say that they’ll do it for you and you will let them but in that moment don’t forget how to be there for yourself when they leave. 
Learn to find comfort in your own arms and I’ll guarantee that you’ll feel the safest being in your own arms. You will doubt that at some point but you’ll know for sure as time passes by. Hug yourself as you hear your muffled cries. Comfort yourself and remind yourself that you’ll get through this. You will. 
Laugh a little more than you do, cherish your goofy side. 
Read. Read as much as you can and don’t stop. That’s a part of you that you love, so don’t let that go. Stain the pages with your tears as your favourite characters get their happy endings or when your favourite character dies. 

Learn something new and put your heart into it. You don’t want to regret later now, do you? 

Remember, you turn sixteen only once. The time that you have on your hands right now is not the same that you’ll have when you turn twenty. So make the most of everything, and as the saying goes- Time waits for none. Just keep that in mind when you’re whiling away time. 
So much could happen in these two years, so prepare yourself, you’ll need that. You’ll go through your first heartache and I promise that you will be fine. You will wail and cry for months but eventually you will get better. You will lose some people who you will have to let go and gain some people who you will accept with open arms. 
There will be times when you fight yourself and say how you hate yourself but that is okay only because you need to let that frustration out as you come around to loving every part of you and knowing how beautiful you are by just being yourself and how people will appreciate that. 
People will talk honey, some negative whereas some positive. But it is up to you to filter it out. Don’t you ever let someone push you down by their talks. Instead stand up to them by letting your work talk.
You will fall down, not once or twice, some nasty and some you’ll get away with just a scratch, but, you’ll learn to pick yourself up, dust your pants and walk ahead. 
Stronger than what you are now is what you’ll become and when you look back you won’t regret what you’ve been through. 
And don’t you forget the compassionate side of you that highlights your personality. And it only gets stronger over the years. And you’ll probably curse at that knowing how it’s your weakness sometimes, but that side of you is what I adore the most. 
Don’t hide that. 
Love yourself and every time you find yourself lost, read this and hopefully you’ll find your way back. 
Fight for yourself all through the years and I promise,
You will do just fine. 
Happy Birthday, my sixteen year old self.

With love, 
Your eighteen year old self. 

Her Demon

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“Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
‘Till your eyes shed 
Into dust”

The lyrics of a favourite song of hers they were.  Each word she’d listen to with great interest every time it played and with that came emotions that were suppressed in her conscious and the song would do its magic and slowly begin to take over her rather distracted mind. This song was her get away place. On days that turned out unbearable, she’d listen to it over and over again and let herself feel the pain. And tonight this song was on repeat.         

Her day wasn’t that great. She’d felt blue for no apparent reason. She didn’t seem to remember what could be bothering her or maybe she just didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was in denial. But what was she trying to deny? Only she could answer that question. She’d pretend like nothing was eating her away from the inside. But deep down, she knew. She knew the demon that she was playing with, that was keeping her awake every other night. She’d befriended the demon that could bring her downfall. Her demon. Yes, that’s exactly how she’d refer to it. What a way that was to refer to something as your own, when it was actually consuming her. She would grow fond of this demon over time and she was very well aware of that, but she didn’t do anything to keep him at bay either. Loving his company, she’d let him take up most of her time.

“I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate”
The song continued to play. It applied perfectly well to her life she thought. Not knowing how she felt or the fact that she could be losing herself was always on her mind but like usual, she’d push it all away to the back of her mind only for them to return when she was at her weakest, like tonight. Lying in bed, still, her demon beckoned her to talk to him. She had company now and she felt slightly better knowing that he was around. He was the only one she could talk to about everything negative. Maybe it was her fears and her blues that fed him and kept him alive. And she, being the smart girl that she is must have figured it sometime over the months that she’d known him but she favoured his company and didn’t want him gone no matter what the damage he was doing, that being, isolating herself.

She thought he was helping her, which he did but it was only to an extent. You know how they say that sometime’s, something’s can cause more damage that it’s supposed to? Well, this was clearly a case like that. Being her friend who knew all her deep dark thoughts and secrets, she knew he wouldn’t do anything about it as he had no one to talk about it to and that her thoughts were safe with him. Complaining to him about how horrible the day was and how she had to fake smile all day, they laughed. They laughed at how she was able to convince the world on the outside what a happy person she was while on the inside she was crumbling.

She loved how she could have him all to her self and not have anyone to share him with. He’d appear to her only when she was alone with her thoughts and I think that’s mostly why she’d zone out during the day hoping he’d come by. Maybe that’s why she liked the isolation.
Late into the night before she falls asleep is when he’d cajole her to talk it all out. Talk about her emotions, the thoughts that scare her, her insecurities and so on. He’d listen to her as long as it’d help make her feel lighter. He’s lost count of the days he had to hold on to her, to comfort her as she cried and make sure that she doesn’t do anything stupid. And these episode’s had been frequent over the couple of weeks. 

The time of the day that she feared the most was the night, not because it was dark but because her thoughts would take over and she wouldn’t be able to find her way with her thoughts and emotions all over the place. Even if she did try escaping, she’d find herself running in circles.

All she could do tonight is pray that it wasn’t the night that she’d have to fight herself . Getting all cosy in her blanket, she tried to read to distract herself from the unsettling feeling in her chest but hardly did it help. She kept the book aside and turned off the lights and lay staring at her ceiling filled with those radium stickers. She doesn’t remember when she got them, but she knows the happiness she felt when she first saw them glow. Happiness, to her, is a distant emotion now.
Dimly, as they glowed in the dark, they had her wishing that she was actually under a billion lit stars, out in the open as the wind gently brushed her cheeks.
And just like that she burst into a fit of giggles as she heard her thoughts aloud and there was her demon, laughing with her. 
And this was all just before her breakdown.                   

At time’s like tonight, she’d lose control. Vulnerable. That’s what she’d become. 
Tonight she wanted to destroy something. She wanted to divert the pain that she felt mentally to a physical pain. She tried her best to resist, but she was weak with her will. Her hand, trembling to hold on to something, caught the iron grills on her window and held on to them as tight as she could. She could feel the pain slowly coursing up her arms as the intensity of the pain that she was tormenting herself to, increased. Tears streamed down her cheeks. There was a wailing that she couldn’t let out because she feared that she would wake the household and that is not something that she wanted. Letting the pain wash over her, she held on to herself as tight as she could . She plugged in her earphones, hoping for it to lessen the pain that swept her physically and mentally. It went on for over an hour and a half before she could compose herself. Her demon couldn’t help tonight and seemed just as lost as she was, which just made things worse, as she shut him out. Lonely as she was, it was just herself tonight. It was two in the morning and she had classes to attend at eight. Exhausted and dazed , she made her way to the wash-room to wash her face of the dried stains her tears had left behind, that she had to hide from the world outside. She fell asleep the minute her head lay on her soft, wet pillow. She had another day to get through tomorrow and it wasn’t going to be any less easier than it was today.
But she would make it. After all she had her demon by her side. Loneliness, her demon.

 

At Twilight

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At twilight I sit by

Right underneath the ceaseless sky,
Looking in wonder at the hues so bright,

And pitying the ones having missed this sight.

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Time is on a standstill here

And I have none to fear.
Here’s where I find my peace,

Without any outburst so fierce.

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This is where my mind is clear

Not worrying to lose who is dear

For I know life must go on,

Even when you feel withdrawn.

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I see the birds chirping, as they head back home

And the flowers come alive as they bloom.
And I realise, I’ve made it another day,

Having no one to hear me say.

                                                                         -Swapna

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The Fourteenth

14th November 2014
Today, didn’t go exactly as I had planned for it to go. I cried my heart out which I don’t usually do in the presence of people. I like it better when I’m on my own, crying and assuring myself that everything will be alright. It sure is nice to hear somebody else say it, that everything will fall into place but I’ve learned to depend on myself for that warmth and comfort. I don’t think I’ve ever let someone completely in on my life. Hardly did I know that after today, all that would change. Change for the better? Time will have its say on that. 

Intoxicated, my guard was down. But I wasn’t in the right frame of my mind to worry about that. I tried to let it all go. Yes, I tried. I tried to smile, to throw my head back and laugh. 

Looking for my reflection in a shattered mirror, is what it felt like. Just as I was searching for myself, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around to see who it was, I saw someone holding a mirror that didn’t have even a small crack showing on it, and I could finally see myself. A smile crept up my face without even me having to try. I mouthed, a thank you with a small smile and turned around to walk away. After having taken a few steps, I turned back to see that person still holding the mirror, now at his chest, looking in my direction with a wide smile spread across his face. Grinning, I shook my head and walked away, only to have this moment replayed in my head for the rest of the day. Something that day, got me to feel. A feeling that would deepen over the year.
And that was the start of a story. Our story. 

14th November 2015
It’s been a year. A wonderful year and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I had smiled, I had thrown my head back and laughed at the funny things he’d say. I was admiring and admitting things I never thought I would. I had soaked in the warmth that I had always yearned for. On days when I tripped, I found my balance. On days when tears streamed down my face, I saw them being wiped away. I saw my frown being turned into a smile. I no longer had to look for myself in a shattered mirror. And it had taken only a year to get where I stood today.

But out of nowhere came a storm. A storm that refused to leave. It shook the firm feet that I was standing with, threatening my befall. The waves at my sea were not calm anymore and nothing could change it. I tried and tried only to make it all worse. Being a bad luck charm, is what it felt like. The storm continued, and I could feel the water push down on me from all sides.

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One minute I was safe and the next I was under water. The more I tried to stay above water, the further down I pushed myself. My lungs were burning for air, and even though I knew I wouldn’t get any, I took a breath. The darkness was engulfing. Slowly, I gave into it and let the water take me in. And even in that moment of drowning, I felt the feeling, that had started all this, but the only difference was that it was at a depth unknown to man. 
And that was the end of a story. Our story.
 And tomorrow, I had to write my own. 

First Step Forward

writing-2

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus,” said Enid Bagnold, a British author and playwright and that’s exactly what I intend on doing with this blog.

The age of a teenager is one of a most rebellious stage in a person’s life. A phase, where we, as young adolescents are often confused about our identity and about who we are as a person.

Usually there are two phases of us trying to find ourselves. First being that, we aren’t keen enough and spend most of our time doing nothing. This may be because we think that over a period of time something will magically happen and we will have it all figured out, which actually leads to nothing but waste of our time. After the first phase ends, the second phase starts, where we are excited and try our hand at different things, hoping to find out where our potential lies.
Having gone through the first phase for over two years I finally made it to the second phase.
And that my friends, is how this blog started.

I first started writing when I was in the eighth grade. Having started with a poem, I realised how it felt to finally be able to express your emotions on paper and not to people, which I must say is a difficult task. I wrote for the next two years after that.
And I’m still not sure as to what happened, but I stopped writing after those two years.
Recently, this year, I got myself to try and write and I came up with something decent. I wasn’t too happy about it, but it was a start.

With this blog, I wish to learn more about writing and hope, that in a way I’ll discover myself.
This blog will feature my poems, random articles and thoughts on life through a seventeen year old’s eyes.
I hope to try and update regularly and my sincere  apologies in advance if I don’t post in a long time as it’s proven to be quite a task to motivate myself off late.

Your feedbacks and comments are looked forward to as long as they do not lower the morale of a writer, who is still learning.

Thank you and I appreciate the time that you have taken out to read this.
Enjoy reading!

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