Breathless and on again
Beside me today
Around broken in two
‘Till your eyes shed
The lyrics of a favourite song of hers they were. Each word she’d listen to with great interest every time it played and with that came emotions that were suppressed in her conscious and the song would do its magic and slowly begin to take over her rather distracted mind. This song was her get away place. On days that turned out unbearable, she’d listen to it over and over again and let herself feel the pain. And tonight this song was on repeat.
Her day wasn’t that great. She’d felt blue for no apparent reason. She didn’t seem to remember what could be bothering her or maybe she just didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was in denial. But what was she trying to deny? Only she could answer that question. She’d pretend like nothing was eating her away from the inside. But deep down, she knew. She knew the demon that she was playing with, that was keeping her awake every other night. She’d befriended the demon that could bring her downfall. Her demon. Yes, that’s exactly how she’d refer to it. What a way that was to refer to something as your own, when it was actually consuming her. She would grow fond of this demon over time and she was very well aware of that, but she didn’t do anything to keep him at bay either. Loving his company, she’d let him take up most of her time.
“I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate”
The song continued to play. It applied perfectly well to her life she thought. Not knowing how she felt or the fact that she could be losing herself was always on her mind but like usual, she’d push it all away to the back of her mind only for them to return when she was at her weakest, like tonight. Lying in bed, still, her demon beckoned her to talk to him. She had company now and she felt slightly better knowing that he was around. He was the only one she could talk to about everything negative. Maybe it was her fears and her blues that fed him and kept him alive. And she, being the smart girl that she is must have figured it sometime over the months that she’d known him but she favoured his company and didn’t want him gone no matter what the damage he was doing, that being, isolating herself.
She thought he was helping her, which he did but it was only to an extent. You know how they say that sometime’s, something’s can cause more damage that it’s supposed to? Well, this was clearly a case like that. Being her friend who knew all her deep dark thoughts and secrets, she knew he wouldn’t do anything about it as he had no one to talk about it to and that her thoughts were safe with him. Complaining to him about how horrible the day was and how she had to fake smile all day, they laughed. They laughed at how she was able to convince the world on the outside what a happy person she was while on the inside she was crumbling.
She loved how she could have him all to her self and not have anyone to share him with. He’d appear to her only when she was alone with her thoughts and I think that’s mostly why she’d zone out during the day hoping he’d come by. Maybe that’s why she liked the isolation.
Late into the night before she falls asleep is when he’d cajole her to talk it all out. Talk about her emotions, the thoughts that scare her, her insecurities and so on. He’d listen to her as long as it’d help make her feel lighter. He’s lost count of the days he had to hold on to her, to comfort her as she cried and make sure that she doesn’t do anything stupid. And these episode’s had been frequent over the couple of weeks.
The time of the day that she feared the most was the night, not because it was dark but because her thoughts would take over and she wouldn’t be able to find her way with her thoughts and emotions all over the place. Even if she did try escaping, she’d find herself running in circles.
All she could do tonight is pray that it wasn’t the night that she’d have to fight herself . Getting all cosy in her blanket, she tried to read to distract herself from the unsettling feeling in her chest but hardly did it help. She kept the book aside and turned off the lights and lay staring at her ceiling filled with those radium stickers. She doesn’t remember when she got them, but she knows the happiness she felt when she first saw them glow. Happiness, to her, is a distant emotion now.
Dimly, as they glowed in the dark, they had her wishing that she was actually under a billion lit stars, out in the open as the wind gently brushed her cheeks.
And just like that she burst into a fit of giggles as she heard her thoughts aloud and there was her demon, laughing with her.
And this was all just before her breakdown.
At time’s like tonight, she’d lose control. Vulnerable. That’s what she’d become.
Tonight she wanted to destroy something. She wanted to divert the pain that she felt mentally to a physical pain. She tried her best to resist, but she was weak with her will. Her hand, trembling to hold on to something, caught the iron grills on her window and held on to them as tight as she could. She could feel the pain slowly coursing up her arms as the intensity of the pain that she was tormenting herself to, increased. Tears streamed down her cheeks. There was a wailing that she couldn’t let out because she feared that she would wake the household and that is not something that she wanted. Letting the pain wash over her, she held on to herself as tight as she could . She plugged in her earphones, hoping for it to lessen the pain that swept her physically and mentally. It went on for over an hour and a half before she could compose herself. Her demon couldn’t help tonight and seemed just as lost as she was, which just made things worse, as she shut him out. Lonely as she was, it was just herself tonight. It was two in the morning and she had classes to attend at eight. Exhausted and dazed , she made her way to the wash-room to wash her face of the dried stains her tears had left behind, that she had to hide from the world outside. She fell asleep the minute her head lay on her soft, wet pillow. She had another day to get through tomorrow and it wasn’t going to be any less easier than it was today.
But she would make it. After all she had her demon by her side. Loneliness, her demon.